Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Curing The Hangover

Curing The Hangover

Over the weekend The Hangover went on to do massive box office numbers, especially for an R-rated film. 86.6 Million dollars for the flick over the holiday weekend. That beats The Simpson's box office record breaking for the same holiday take-in.

Now the number 1 complaint I have heard from everyone who has seen the film is that it rips off too much from the first film. While the first one was original in how it approached the revealing of what happened the night before, this one was the complete opposite of original.

To that I say what the fuck? Really? The first movie was amazing and hilarious, we get that. The second movie, which was exactly the same and hilarious sucks because it didn't do something different.. even though if they did do something different with it you very same people would be the first ones to bitch about how it didn't stay true to the original.

Do you not see how they literally could not win on this one? How fucking surprising it is that people bashed it.

One thing that is surprising about this film is what I found online in researching it. Namely how detailed the parental guide on IMDB actually is. It's absolutely hilarious and well worth a read, though warning it's full of spoilers Then again, if you've seen the first The Hangover, you know everything that happens in the second.

Some highlights are:
A woman leaps into a man's arms and they kiss passionately as the man lifts her up.

A man lifts up a woman and kisses her.

Men and women are seen kissing on multiple occasions.
Dear lord! Kissing?! What ever has become of our country? How dare this film taint our youth by showing a woman leaping into a man's arms and kiss passionately?! What next, a man's penis?
Two men touch a man's penis (we see a small portion of his genitals, while the rest of his body is covered by blankets): one man squeezes the man's penis and licks his hands, and we see a monkey then begin to touch, and then put his mouth on the genitals; the man throws back the blankets and stands up, his underwear pulled down to expose his genitals and bare buttocks and a man gives the nude man a lingering hug (we see the man's bare buttocks as they hug).
I don't know about you but this one kind of sold me on actually seeing it.
On two occasions women are seen wearing torso and cleavage-exposing tops while dancing suggestively on a stage and around poles in a club.
Torso and cleavage exposing tops?! My god... what the fuck, society. Then again, maybe they should mention that these characters are all Ladyboys. That would probably make people a little more rage filled about this.

But speaking of Ladyboys. Here's a pretty big one.
A man dressed as a woman and wearing a robe tells several men that he and one of the men had previously had sex, saying that he had performed a suggestive dance, and then explaining in graphic detail the account of their sexual intercourse, including describing both men climaxing; the man opens his robe to reveal his genitals and that he also has female breasts (he is wearing a cleavage-exposing bra).
You know, I think this film is getting slammed by the critics and holding on to a 35% Rotten Tomatoes rating mainly because of this. The first film was pretty raunchy while also maintaining that line of socially acceptable levels of Vegas drunken debauchery. The Hangover 2 just walks all over that line pissing and shitting along the way.

I doubt there was many people who want too much gore in their perverted sexual comedies.
A car smashes into the carcass of a pig hanging from a food stall, and the pig explodes and splatters over two men in the back of the car, covering them with blood and gore.
I mean, who doesn't want more gore in their films? How about if we have cut up body parts in this mofo? I bet that will reach comedy gold!
A man tells another man that he had found a teenage boy's finger and we see the man remove a ring from the bloody stump of a severed finger.

Three men find a teenage boy trapped inside an elevator, his hand covered with a bloody rag.
Looks like someone earned themselves some red wings... But seriously, this as well as the outnumbering amount of cock to tits you see in this film is clearly something that had to be an issue for folks.
In the first film they basically left the dude up on the roof for a day and he's completely sunburned. In this one they make the groom have anal sex, get a tattoo on his face and they leave a kid stuck in an elevator with a recently chopped off finger and when they find him, this one-time-studying to be a surgeon or a cello player doesn't give a shit about having his finger cut off because hey, he had a good time...

How no one seems to notice or care that the father's favorite in the family is now essentially out of those career paths because of some stupid knife playing one-upping on the whole sunburn on the rooftop of Cesar's Palace

I do have to admit one thing though, I really hate one aspect about these films. Everyone hating Alan. Yes, he did drug them in not one, but two instances which lead to some wild and crazy times on the streets of a strange land. But let's be honest, it wasn't Alan who pushed Stu into getting a tattoo or getting married to a Vegas stripper. Or even having sex with a ladyboy. It was Stu who did that.

The characters really should own up to their own stupidity here. Why yes, Alan did a strange thing in drugging them, but you shouldn't blame your poor choices, even if you made them under the influence on other people.

And like the first one, it's worth it to stay for the credits
We see photographs of the following: A teenage boy uses a knife to stab through his finger, and we then see the bloody severed finger being used as a prop in multiple pictures with several men, including as a man's middle finger in a crude hand gesture; the severed finger is used to help a man snort cocaine (this is implied); oral sex on a monkey is implied when a severed finger is used as the monkey's genitals, and we see a teenage boy's injured, bloody hand; men posing with a handgun, including a man holding a handgun to another man's chin and a man holding a handgun to another man's forehead (the men laugh); and a man screaming as two men tattoo him.

I just have to wonder if these guys sit through it with a pen and paper taking notes on everything that could be slightly offensive. I'm sure there's massive fights over who is correct with every detail they post.

Even if I had no interest in seeing a movie, I'm definitely going to come check out IMDB's ratings break downs because really, if others are like this it's worth reading for that alone. It's like a piece of erotic short fiction written by an autistic journalist.

Where else are you going to get a complete break down on how many curse words they said:
About 113 F-words and its derivatives, 1 obscene hand gesture, 19 sexual references, 18 scatological terms, 23 anatomical terms, 14 mild obscenities, 1 derogatory term for homosexuals, 6 racial slurs, name-calling (coward, insane, selfish, criminal, prized possession, fat, weird, jo (a bland combination of rice and warm water), grand misery, bald, dragon, worthless, rice pudding, sensitive, super star, puppy dog, bearded devil, stupid, psycho, pretty boy, thug, racist, big Jewish brain, exclamations (crud, shoot, gosh, fudge), 1 religious profanity, 24 religious exclamations.
These people have no life. I mean, hearing that from someone like me.. now that's gotta be hurtful.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Dragon Tattoos And Immigrant Songs

Dragon Tattoos And Immigrant Songs

David Fincher, the director of Fight Club and most recently the Social Network is back with a remake since it's pretty clear Americans hate reading subtitles and require every movie to be made in English.

So the film Girl with the dragon tattoo had a red band trailer leak out. Take a look...

first reaction was.. wait, people pirate trailers now?

Second thought was.. my god, what a mix up of mashed up spoilers all over that trailer. Having already seen the original trilogy in the language of origin I know the story and in that trailer alone I see a lot of things that really scream out bloody spoilers.

Then again, to those who don't know it already, it probably didn't make any fucking sense other than proclaiming itself the feel bad flick of Christmas.

Ho ho ho.

Though I can't say that this trailer ruined that Led Zepplin song for me.

I still picture those damn kittens every time I hear that song.. any version of it. Now I'm just picturing gothic trent reznor dressed kittens rocking the fuck out to his version of it... in viking gear of course.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Fly Like An Eagle

Fly Like An Eagle

Hey Flyboy, how's those planes going? Oh, this article will be pretty annoying if you so happen to like airplanes and government pissing away of money.
The US Air Force has stopped flying all Lockheed Martin F-22s for an indefinite period over concerns about a possible glitch in the onboard oxygen generation system.

The stand-down order issued on 3 May by Air Combat Command (ACC) chief Gen Will Fraser comes about six weeks after the F-22s were restricted to flying below 25,000ft due to the same problem.

The order is in effect until "further notice", the ACC says.

"The standown is a prudent measure following recent reports of oxygen system malfunction," Fraser said in a statement.

While the F-22s remain parked, investigation teams will continue to determine the cause of the malfunction, the statement added.

The ACC emphasized that the stand-down order is technically not considered a "grounding", which occurs only in response to a catastrophic technical issue. A stand-down is voluntary and precautionary.

Despite keeping the F-22s on the ground, ACC believes the stand-down order will not change the air force's ability to perform missions such as air superiority alert. The F-22 is still available for "national security directed missions", the ACC said. One-time flights can also be approve by the heads of major commands, inclduing repositioning flights.

The air force has been flying the F-22s operationally for more than five years, with more than 150 already in service. All 186 F-22s on order are expected to be delivered by early next year.
Well, isn't that sad. I guess it's a good reason to stop using them. You know, when they're able to just completely malfunction with crossing an imaginary line. At least it's not costing us too much... is it?

Oh wait...
Meanwhile, supporters of the F-22 program — which has cost more than $65 billion so far — argue that Mr. Obama should extend its production, at least temporarily, to preserve thousands of jobs related to building the jets, which cost $143 million each.

add not having oxygen to its laundry list of shit
The United States' top fighter jet, the Lockheed Martin F-22, has recently required more than 30 hours of maintenance for every hour in the skies, pushing its hourly cost of flying to more than $44,000, a far higher figure than for the warplane it replaces, confidential Pentagon test results show.

HA HA HA HA HA. Oh man, If I didn't laugh I would be crying on how much we wasted on these suckers.

While most aircraft fleets become easier and less costly to repair as they mature, key maintenance trends for the F-22 have been negative in recent years, and on average from October last year to this May, just 55 percent of the deployed F-22 fleet has been available to fulfill missions guarding U.S. airspace, the Defense Department acknowledged this week. The F-22 has never been flown over Iraq or Afghanistan.
My god, what a worthless piece of shit this military economic spending is...

"The new US stealth fighter, the F-22 Raptor, was deployed for the first time to Asia earlier this month. On Feb. 11, twelve Raptors flying from Hawaii to Japan were forced to turn back when a software glitch crashed all of the F-22s' on-board computers as they crossed the international date line. The delay in arrival in Japan was previously reported, with rumors of problems with the software. CNN television, however, this morning reported that every fighter completely lost all navigation and communications when they crossed the international date line. They reportedly had to turn around and follow their tankers by visual contact back to Hawaii. According to the CNN story, if they had not been with their tankers, or the weather had been bad, this would have been serious. CNN has not put up anything on their website yet."
Why yes.. time zones, they be my only weakness! But to be honest, time zones are my weakness as well. I look at what time Doctor Who is on GMT and I'm all sorts of confused on the matter on when it will air here in the states.

But at the very least I don't crash because of it. You get the point, it's a pretty serious issue and us throwing massive amounts of money into this black budget sure is fucking stupid.

Just think, supporters of the F-22 program - which has cost more than $65 billion so far - argue that Mr. Obama should extend its production, at least temporarily, to preserve thousands of jobs related to building this worthless piece of shit jet that cost $143 million each.. And how is it that we don't consider ourselves a socialist state?

Paying them to do nothing would be orders of magnitude cheaper at this point. What a waste of our tax dollars.

Do I need to remind you that the Navy Seals used top secret stealth helicopters to attack Bin Laden's $250,000 mansion and had to blow one of them up when they clipped a wall with the rotor?

The whole purpose of the F-22 and F-35 programs was that they were going to cost much less for maintenance than previous generation planes. But hey, US interests abroad are almost entirely economic. Our economy is based upon trade, and maintaining PAX Americana by mitigating threats to global trade is the best way to ensure our continued economic success.

The good news is that this is great for the rest of the world, as well. But the bad news is that we'll continue to wage wars with brown people and throw endless amounts of money to creating and launching weapons while we still have hungry people in our nation.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Pumping Fuglys - The Arnold Story

Pumping Fuglys - The Arnold Story

In 1977, Arnold told OUI Magazine, "I can look at a chick who's a little out of shape, and if she turns me on, I won't hesitate to date her. If she's a good fuck, she can weigh 150 pounds, I don't care."

I guess that in the 33 years that he made that comment, that 150 lbs changed drastically. I mean, there's no way that rule wasn't loosened up a bit considering the latest revelations about Arnold's illegitimate baby momma.

Just look at who this pile of muscle decided to not only have sex with, but to not pay for an abortion with...

Then again, there's very little doubt in my mind that she did everything in her power to make sure that they were swimmers. What person in that position wouldn't want an instant pay check from a famous actor, governor of California?

You could almost say that she was doing it for the booty...

But arrrrrrrr, she's got one of those faces that you would wank the plank to get away from. Which I guess brings us to a better question: Why did Arnold settle for her? I mean, think about it. You're former Mr. Universe. A famous actor known the world over with a laundry list of names to choose from that are all attractive..

And you somehow choose this broad to bang on the side?

Her? HER? Really? I mean, come on! She is by far not even remotely close to being "a looker". I'm not sure what he was thinking. Maybe she reminded him of his Austrian girlfriends back when he used to cut down trees and roid up?

Because any connection to being remotely close to contemporary beauty is just out the window here. She is by far damn unattractive. At best, she's possibly something different than the Skeletor looking wife of his in Maria Shriver. But still, do you really want to down grade from that with Ol' Patty here?

Yeah, she's got a rack, but with that rack comes one hell of a Fupa. I mean, that's some really not so pleasing visuals there with her. What the hell was Arnold thinking indeed? Well, we know the answer to that. He wasn't.

The guy has some really fucked up sort of sexual apatite that just needs to be fed. He's a womenizer in the worse possible ways and even before the 2003 election happened, a lot of reports of him grabbing and doing other such things to women came out. None of that effected the election. I guess we don't care.

I'm also very shocked that this comes to a surprise to anyone. Can you honestly look me in the eyes and tell me that this kid is NOT a younger looking Arnold?

Just look at him. If her ex husband had no clue, then he really was pretty stupid. Your wife works for Arnold and your kid comes out bench pressing the doctor. How do you not tell that your kid, who looks just like Arnold, is potentially not yours?

What one can walk away from this whole experience knowing is that no matter how ugly you are, there's always someone out there who is willing to throw you a bone every now and then. It keeps hope alive for a lot of people, I suppose. That if she could land Arnold, maybe you have a chance with those highly unattainable people out there.

Or maybe Arnold was just stoned out of his mind....

Friday, May 27, 2011

People, This State Park is Fucking Closed!

People, This State Park is Fucking Closed!

This memorial day weekend it would be pretty cool to go to a state park and just chill, wouldn't it?

WRONG, BITCHES! For you see, this mother fuckin' State Park be closed!
SACRAMENTO, Calif. -- State parks officials have announced plans to close 70 parks due to the budget deficit.

The closures will translate to a $11 million reduction for the 2011-2012 fiscal year, and another $22 million the next year.

Officials say parks were chosen based on attendance rates and historical significance.
How fucked up is that. Even more so because by closing state parks you give families and tourist one less thing to go and spend their money on. Yeah, that's right. People actually spend their money on state parks.

A lot of local economies are dependent on the money generated by tourist coming to their nowhere hick towns next to the state parks. A lot of visitors are from out of state, so you're essentially taking something that doesn't necessarily take much to keep running and you close it down.

So what's the full list of park closures? Here you go, from the parks department:
  • Anderson Marsh SHP
  • Annadel SP
  • Antelope Valley Indian Museum
  • Austin Creek SRA
  • Bale Grist Mill SHP
  • Benbow Lake SRA
  • Benicia Capitol SHP
  • Benicia SRA
  • Bidwell Mansion SHP
  • Bothe-Napa Valley SP
  • Brannan Island SRA
  • California Mining & Mineral Museum
  • Candlestick Point SRA
  • Castle Crags SP
  • Castle Rock SP
  • China Camp SP
  • Colusa-Sacramento River SRA
  • Del Norte Coast Redwoods SP
  • Fort Humboldt SHP
  • Fort Tejon SHP
  • Garrapata SP
  • George J. Hatfield SRA
  • Governor's Mansion SHP
  • Gray Whale Cove SB
  • Greenwood SB
  • Grizzly Creek Redwoods SP
  • Hendy Woods SP
  • Henry W. Coe SP
  • Jack London SHP
  • Jug Handle SNR
  • Leland Stanford Mansion SHP
  • Limekiln SP
  • Los Encinos SHP
  • Malakoff Diggins SHP
  • Manchester SP
  • McConnell SRA
  • McGrath SB
  • Mono Lake Tufa SNR
  • Morro Strand SB
  • Moss Landing SB
  • Olompali SHP
  • Palomar Mountain SP
  • Petaluma Adobe SHP
  • Picacho SRA
  • Pio Pico SHP
  • Plumas-Eureka SP
  • Point Cabrillo Light Station
  • Portola Redwoods SP
  • Providence Mountains SRA
  • Railtown 1897 SHP
  • Russian Gulch SP
  • Saddleback Butte SP
  • Salton Sea SRA
  • Samuel P. Taylor SP
  • San Pasqual Battlefield SHP
  • Santa Cruz Mission SHP
  • Santa Susana Pass SHP
  • Shasta SHP
  • South Yuba River SP
  • Standish-Hickey SRA
  • Sugarloaf Ridge SP
  • Tomales Bay SP
  • Tule Elk SNR
  • Turlock Lake SRA
  • Twin Lakes SB
  • Weaverville Joss House SHP
  • Westport-Union Landing SB
  • William B. Ide Adobe SHP
  • Woodson Bridge SRA
  • Zmudowski SB
But it leads to a good question - How the hell do yo shutdown a national park anyway? At best you're just going to put up a road block in the driveway.

Which it seems is all to it. The ranger lowers an impenetrable wooden beam across the parking lot entrance and declares that THIS PARK IS HEREBY CLOSED-OSED-OSED-OSED *flips window sign to "closed", gets in Jetta and drives home*

It sure must be nice to be a park ranger. Living in a trailer in a national park sounds really peaceful. But yeah, it seems like just national parks and passport issuers would be majorly effected by this.

Essentially I would suggest going to a state park, closed or not, this holiday weekend and enjoying the beauty that is summer in the outdoors.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

No Wonder, Woman!

No Wonder, Woman!

This isn't breaking news by any stretch of the imagination. By all means this is pretty much old news. But hey, at least this is a gathering of all the information, thoughts and at least one different perspective than the typical "Ugh, they're idiots who just don't get it!" that seem to be going on with the subject matter of the now not-picked-up Wonder Woman reboot pilot by NBC.

Might I add that it was a 2 million dollar not-picked-up Wonder Woman Pilot? Yeeeeeaah...

Seeing the old Wonder Woman show in such clarity as an older person and not just some young dumb punk looking at his PG-13 rated boobs, it really does highlight how utterly unconvincing that shit was in live action. Lynda Carter did make a mean Diana Prince though. So when news broke that a new live action show was in the works I was a bit hesitant at first. How could you really pull this off?

Sure, I grew up watching - and I'm sure it shaped my sexual fantasies/fetish as a young child, to see the Lynda Carter show. And I have to admit that I was on the set a couple of seasons ago when on Bones, Emily Deschanel dressed as Wonder Woman for a Halloween costume. I have to say, I don't think I have ever been happier to be on set for something than that moment.

Up till then I didn't think I ever noticed how much Emily Deschanel looked like Lynda Carter. Thus, my on the set crush on her finally made sense.

I have to say that I was pretty surprised on the reaction of the nerd community when the actress and costume for the TV show was revealed. As a big fan of Friday Night Lights, hearing that Adrianne Palicki got the role was pretty good news to me, but yet was getting a resounding "meh" from the general public.

I guess the reboot pilot story was also not very assuring for many.
The series pilot is a reinvention of the iconic DC Comics title in which Wonder Woman – a/k/a Diana Prince – is a vigilante crime fighter in Los Angeles but also a successful corporate executive and a modern woman trying to balance all of the elements of her extraordinary life.
That's right, there was no Themyscira in the reboot. But then name of her company was going to be Themyscial. So there would be a little nod here and there to the origins of the character.

I have to admit though, that the costume really did do evil things to those breasts. Them boobs looked like they were in separate time zones.

But even with the awful things they did to amazing breast, I didn't hate the concept of the costume. It was just the execution that made it look a little cheap. It sort of reminded me of a Halloween costume at first. The metallic bits didn't look like metal. Not sure if changing that would have helped much though.

The gauntlets looked like they were made by Fisher Price. And yeah, much like Thor and Captain America's costumes, it would probably have looked a lot better after the whole filming process was finished and they added shit in post.

The concept was that it would look a lot better in motion. Which I'm guessing it would have. I mean, you really should see the poorly constructed wardrobe that most actors have to put up with on the set. It's like it's all tied together with shoe string and bobby pins. So maybe it would look better in motion...

The costume was based on the latest comic book costume change. One that was really a bad story arc that the writer gave up entirely on. Which I had some issues with over it anyway. I mean, if you had asked me to name ten potential A-list artist who could possible redesign Wonder Woman's costume for a more sensible and modest costume, Jim Lee would never get close to that list.

Don't get me wrong, he's a great artist but he's all about the cheesecake. Though he is one of the DC head hanchos now, so that's why you had him pulling the trigger and giving Wonder Woman some leggings.

You do have to give them some credit. They actually tried to pull off the old iconic look of Wonder Woman with Adrianna as you can see in this really... strange picture

Yeah, I think the problem here is that she doesn't have any panty hoses. That would have made a world of difference here. And I'm all for a more realistic redsign for Diana, but I don't feel that this was going to be a success. It simply isn't iconic looking. The bracelets shouldn't have been touched. And she also no longer has her breastplate.

There was even a whole website devoted in trying to fix this wardrobe failure.

Soon after that first photo came out, there was news that another picture was released where they seemed to fix a lot of things that the nerds on the internet were complaining about. But even then, the pants eventually just looked like spandex and not PVC.

The problem with Wonder Woman is that she always looks like she was just pantsed. The only way my brain can consolidate the blue short-shorts with the rest of the outfit is too assume someone took her pants away and she was left standing around in her undies. I mean, even though Superman and Batman wear colored briefs, they have leggings/tights on under it.

Then again, I guess the problem could have come from the very fact that they were trying to reinvent a character whose original purpose was to be the subject of bondage fantasies. Which really is at its core the main reason Wonder Woman has become so obsolete as a character. Mainly because they try to sweep that stuff under the rug. Just embrace it, embrace the bondage, please!

You take away the sexual stuff and all that you're left with is a female superman with all the usual cliches. The TV show's Wonder Woman fretting over her boob size is all wrong. Wonder Woman is suppose to be a fish-out-of-water sort of tale. She's an amazonian in a society that isn't used to her sexual freedom at all. A Wonder Woman would be confounded by all this.

If you want Wonder Woman to ever work you really need to play up that whole fish out of water theme home. The story of a diplomat whose morals and beliefs are archaic, primitive and outright sexist could be a really told story for the very much boring character that she is currently.

You toss in the magical lasso, some badass gladiator like armor and some crazy huge sword, pitting her against some mythological foes attacking the modern world, you've probably go a good story in there that people would watch.

As it currently stands, the collected nerd world right now is breathing a sigh of relief that NBC passed on Wonder Woman. But I have to say, the hatred over the costume was way overblown. Especially if you've ever watched the original show. Just listen to the theme song itself.

In your satin tights.. fighting for your rights and the red white and blue. Seriously? You fucking have to be kidding me that it was by any means less silly looking and sounding as the leaked stuff for this updated pilot.

Just look at how cheesy these transformations were

Why bedazzles me is that this is the same network that greenlit The Cape (which is the greatest homage to Adam West's Batman) yet Wonder Woman was so bad that even they passed up on it?

I have to wonder why NBC even bothered commissioning this very pricey project from Warner Brothers. They utterly fucked up Heroes beyond any realm of possibly in how awful the second season and on were. The Cape was simply the worse possible thing around and I could only possibly understand it if it was some sort of homage to Adam West's Batman.

The Event was canceled and it seems like Sci-fi is essentially dead on prime time. So was this really so awful that you can green light The Cape but you will pass up on a Wonder Woman franchise around the same time when a Green Lantern film is being released? Seriously NBC?

And I know that the cries of nerds on the internet were beating the dead horse when it came to how her costume looked or how much speculation there was that it was going to be awful. But you know what, I was actually really looking forward to this.

And it's not simply because I was turned on by the sight of boobs in a tight top or the fact that I didn't think she was that attractive as a blonde, but for some reason the moment she dyed her hair for Lone Star and for this, Boooyah, I thought she was amazingly attractive.

So we're left wondering if there's ever any chance of this getting picked up by anyone else. The CW, after all, does have a comic book opening now that Smallville is over. But sadly no. No this will not be seen or picked up by other networks.

Though I guess I'm not entirely sure about the whole "not be seen" thing. I mean, this is the modern age where just about everything floats onto the internet at some point or another. So if it ever came across someone's desk who wants internet fame, they will be posting it up online on bittorrent.

Which I would be most excited to watch. Not because I believe in David E. Kelly, but because I don't mind Wonder Woman being a terribly cheesey character. Guess what, that's what she has always been.

People sure do need to get over it and realize she's nothing more than a fetish character.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Peta - Not Even Caring Anymore

Peta - Not Even Caring Anymore

So I caught wind on the latest Peta billboard to encourage people not to wear fur using sex appeal...

I just have to wonder, is this tasteless ad calling Olivia Munn an elephant or something? I'm a little confused. Although I totally agree that elephants should be free, it's like they're not even pretending to make it relevant anymore.

Just put an ad up with the message of "HEY, I'M NAKED!!!! p.s save animals". I mean, she is pretty big by comparison with those elephants. Is that why she can't get clothes that fit her correct?

PETA is really just an excuse for guys to take naked pictures of female celebrities, isn't it? Just tell us the truth. Don't try to convince me that you're trying to save animals. We can call a spade a spade.

But can I just rage against Munn for a few minutes? Everything from G4 is god awful. This may be some nerd rage from a former TechTV fan, but I stopped watching the daily show around the same time that she came on as a regular correspondent.

G4 is simply the worse at pandering to the male geek audience. Munn's act especially along with the rest of the female host who seem to revolve their entire personality around trying to be cutsey as possible.

She wrote a book called "Suck it, Wonder Woman!: The Misadventures of a Hollywood Geek" I mean, seriously? Yes, you have big tits and you enjoy things nerdy guys enjoy, who the fuck doesn't? Iron Man and all the rest of the comic book films are making millions. Guess what, those things are main stream now. You don't have to act surprise that it crosses gender anymore. It's no longer a niche market.

I never got this idea that it's so rare to find a female who like video games. If they're under 30, they grew up with a video game console in their home. One that they played a lot. So of course they're perfectly fine with it.

On a side note, Chris Hardwick is probably the only thing decent about G4 these days.

But you know what, this whole PETA - Let's get naked thing isn't limited to women. Look at their ink bullshit.

Ink - Okay.. Pig skin football okay as well?

On a side note, this guy went to Israel for a couple of years solely to serve in the IDF as a sniper. Evidently he doesn't even see Palestinians as animals.

And I guess this one isn't offensive.

Don't wear fur; wear cutoffs.

You know, I choose not to wear fur, but it's not because of PETA or because I think it's wrong. But because I think it's incredibly tacky.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Zombie Preparedness Week

Zombie Preparedness Week

The world didn't end this past weekend but that's no reason why you should be dancing in the streets in some sort of victory dance or anything. Just because the rapture didn't occur doesn't mean that you have nothing to fear.

What about zombies?!

Yeah. That's right. I said it. Zombies. Don't turn your back on the potential fear of the undead coming back to life and consuming your brains.

It can happen.

No, I'm not crazy. Not anymore crazy than that one moron predicting the end of the world.. who, might I add, is still suggesting that it will happen in October.

But unlike him, there's actually reputable places warning you about being prepared for the potential zombie invasion.

The following was originally posted on CDC Public Health Matters Blog on May 16th, 2011 by Ali S. Khan.

There are all kinds of emergencies out there that we can prepare for. Take a zombie apocalypse for example. That’s right, I said z-o-m-b-i-e a-p-o-c-a-l-y-p-s-e. You may laugh now, but when it happens you’ll be happy you read this, and hey, maybe you’ll even learn a thing or two about how to prepare for a real emergency.

A Brief History of Zombies
We’ve all seen at least one movie about flesh-eating zombies taking over. but where do zombies come from and why do they love eating brains so much? The word zombie comes from Haitian and New Orleans voodoo origins. Although its meaning has changed slightly over the years, it refers to a human corpse mysteriously reanimated to serve the undead. Through ancient voodoo and folk-lore traditions, shows like the Walking Dead were born.

So what do you need to do before zombies…or hurricanes or pandemics for example, actually happen? First of all, you should have an emergency kit in your house. This includes things like water, food, and other supplies to get you through the first couple of days before you can locate a zombie-free refugee camp (or in the event of a natural disaster, it will buy you some time until you are able to make your way to an evacuation shelter or utility lines are restored). Below are a few items you should include in your kit, for a full list visit the CDC Emergency page.
  • Water (1 gallon per person per day)
  • Food (stock up on non-perishable items that you eat regularly)
  • Medications (this includes prescription and non-prescription meds)
  • Tools and Supplies (utility knife, duct tape, battery powered radio, etc.)
  • Sanitation and Hygiene (household bleach, soap, towels, etc.)
  • Clothing and Bedding (a change of clothes for each family member and blankets)
  • Important documents (copies of your driver’s license, passport, and birth certificate to name a few)
  • First Aid supplies (although you’re a goner if a zombie bites you, you can use these supplies to treat basic cuts and lacerations that you might get during a tornado or hurricane)

Once you’ve made your emergency kit, you should sit down with your family and come up with an emergency plan. This includes where you would go and who you would call if zombies started appearing outside your door step. You can also implement this plan if there is a flood, earthquake, or other emergency.

But it's not just enough to have a kit that you could, incidentally use for Earthquakes. If you want to take it further, and to reveal the real intention of this blog post... How about some real-estate that I can interest you with..

I present to you the zombie proof home.

Scared of zombies? Concerned about the apocalypse? Have we got the house for you.

A Polish architectural firm has designed the world's first zombie-proof abode — the "Safe House".

It's not really inspired by the walking dead, but it's been getting plenty of attention as the world celebrates its fifth annual Zombie Awareness Month.
Built between 2005 and 2009, the house features Rubik's Cube-type movable parts and folds in on itself completely at the end of the day to seal against outside threats.

"Every day the house acts in a similar way — it wakes up every morning to close up after dusk," says architect Robert Konieczny of KWK Promes.
Located on the outskirts of Warsaw, the Safe House has just one entrance, on the second floor, connected by a drawbridge.

For extra security, after crossing the bridge, visitors have to wait within a safety zone before being let into the rest of the house.

During the day, the house opens onto a garden and the movable walls change position to create a courtyard.
"There is no risk of children escaping to the street area in an uncontrolled way while playing in the garden," says Mr Konieczny.

Yes, why go out with your small party of survivors to some abandoned prison or castle estate when you live in a zombie fortified home already? Especially with the cool factor that comes with the rubik mechanism that transforms this home at the drop of the hat to something no one can get into.

Here, check out more pictures of this freaky home.

You have to admit, that's pretty intense. There's a lot of homes like this all over the world, mostly in Europe and Sweden. Not because they fear zombie invasions anymore than we do, but because they're designed by post-modern people looking for a home to attract some rich guy to show off how much money he has by doing something completely different.

This one is just the first one that I've seen with a retractable drawbridge. Over all, it's pretty freaking cool. Even if the whole front wall is a bit overkill.

Monday, May 23, 2011

I Wish We Could Fire Donald Trump From The Meida

I Wish We Could Fire Donald Trump From The Meida

So the worthless piece of shit Donald Trump came out to say that he wasn't going to run for the elections after all.
NEW YORK – After months of flirting with politics, Donald Trump said Monday he won't run for president, choosing to stick with hosting "The Celebrity Apprentice" over a bid for the Republican nomination.

The reality TV star and real estate mogul made his announcement at a Manhattan hotel as NBC, which airs his show, rolled out its fall lineup.

"I will not be running for president as much as I'd like to," Trump said.

Trump's office released a formal statement just as he was taking the stage. In it, a confident Trump said he felt he could win the Republican primary and beat President Barack Obama in the general election but had come to realize a presidential campaign could not be run half-heartedly.

"Ultimately, business is my greatest passion and I am not ready to leave the private sector," Trump said.
Several Republicans are seeking the nomination in a race that lacks a clear front-runner. Among the top hopefuls are former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich and former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty. The GOP is still waiting to hear whether Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels, 2008 vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin or Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann will get in the race.

I have to say good riddance. Anyone who actually believed for one second that he was actually going to run is stupid. This was all about pumping up his image so he could pimp out more poorly made generic products with his name on them.

We should really stop giving Trump attention since this is exactly why he faked his running. He was always only after the attention grabbing that it caused as a grasp to not fall into bankruptcy yet again. Remember, this man had a casino that went bankrupt.. in Atlantic city. How exactly you manage to do that I don't know.

But even in this move it shows that Trump is a terrible businessman. He should have never declared that he was running or tossed in the towel on potentially running. But what he should have done was come out and say that he's forming a committee to explore the possibility of becoming president. to solicit regulation free contributions and got rich the Newt Gringrich way.

But it comes to no surprise that NBC announced yesterday that they were picking Trump up for some more seasons. I mean, that's gotta be some strange timing on all this, riiiiight? It's almost as if he just did it to boost ratings for his show.

But if he did run it would be pretty funny to see how the Republicans backpedaled on calling Obama too inexperienced for the job when you have someone like Trump running for the job. Not to mention that it would also force the rest of America to be exposed to his dirty finances.

If there was one thing that could top his dirty finances it would be his dirty tactics. He went from running on a birth certificate platform, to criticizing everyone for not talking about economic issues after the certificate was released and he was mocked at the correspondence dinner. Between this and his "Diplomacy is a waste of time" foreign policy, I can't imagine that anyone would support him unironically.

And for those of you who are voting for our presidency ironically - Fuck you! I would like to believe that there isn't anyone who would do that but then again, someone who believes that has a lot of faith in humanity.
"They gotta do what now? Scrutinize my finances? Fuck that. I'm outta here."

Ultimately I think it was this that ruined his chances of running. Trump realized that his finances would be out there for the world to see and he said fuck it. It was that absolute lack of privacy that Trump would have that he ran away from this civic duty.

He also didn't have the skin for it. His reaction at the correspondents dinner in being roasted by Obama in a setting that wasn't a lame Comedy Central fake roast showed that he didn't know how to handle it publicly when not scripted. Sitting there motionless was pretty much the exact worst way to handle it.

He knows how to get publicity but he doesn't know how to make people like him who don't already like him. Which is something that even he would have to do to even win the nomination. let alone, the general election if nominated. When your best public face is "angry New Yorker", you're not going to have any election possibility.

So where does this leave the election potentials? What with Huckabee also out, the list of Republicans running is getting thinner by the week. Though most of them didn't have much name recognition anyway. It's probably going to end up being between Michelle Bachmann or Newt Gingrich.

Though, it's not like the Republican party needs to do much anyway. Obama pretty much is a Republican in every way minus that R sitting behind his name. So I guess we can expect four more years of pointless wars in Afghanistan and a lot more torture tactics. Wooohooo!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

So... About That Rapture

So... About That Rapture

Right now you're probably wondering why you're still here on Earth. For sure you would have thought that buying $500 for that gold bible would have guaranteed your place during the great rapture of yesterday, right?

While you may believe the rapture didn't happen.....

And here I thought All Dogs Go To Heaven...

One question I have about heaven is if you need to bring a towel. Which I guess shouldn't be a question after all. How stupid does one have to be to not bring one? You always need to bring a towel. It's the most useful thing in the universe after all.

I guess they could still hold on hope that the volcano eruption in Iceland yesterday was something to do with relation to the end of times prophecy... I know that angle will be played out. But otherwise, The BBC has reported that the world hasn't ended, so that makes it official.

Did you ever stop to think that maybe the rapture did happen and we're all still here on Earth because.. well, because we're simply not good enough to ascend to heaven? What about that. Maybe the rapture happened decades ago and we don't even know that we're all stuck in hell.

Think about it, it would explain a lot.

God just cruised on by Earth after stopping by his many other thousands of life forms created in the universe and it simply was a case that we weren't worthy. Like how on a blind date when you do that one pass by to see if the date is at least attractive before going to sit down.

Man, maybe God needs to lower his standards or they'll end up with only a few people up there. Must not really be heaven if it's only a few folks.

For those of you who are feeling a distinct lack of rapture and end of the world fear in your life, fear not, for the next earth shattering event to look forward to isn't to far off. We have October 21, 2011. This is when the crazy old dude who predicted yesterdays rapture has claimed that the end of all life on Earth would occur.

Though I guess given that the rapture didn't pan out yesterday, I don't really find the October 21, 2011 event to be very likely to occur now. One could hope though. One could always hope.

Then there's the December 21, 2012 date which you've probably seen a movie about. It's the end of the current Mayan long count calendar and many believe it to be the end of the world.... as we know it. So there's plenty of speculation abounds as to what will actually happen that day.

My guess is that the Mayans will hang a new calendar up. Though if they're anything like me, it'll be months before they actually throw the old one out.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

The End........ Or is it?

The End........ Or is it?

So the Rapture is suppose to happen in a matter of an hour. As someone who was an alter server and someone who used to be affiliated with the church before that little touchee/feelie incident occurred, I gotta say.. KISS YOUR ASS GOODBYE, FOLKS!

You're Too Poor To Carry Money

You're Too Poor To Carry Money

No, this isn't some new hipster trend of being too poor to carry money around. This is actually happening in our great nation of ours. I swear, you couldn't make this shit up.
St. Paul, MN – Minnesota Republicans are pushing legislation that would make it a crime for people on public assistance to have more $20 in cash in their pockets any given month. This represents a change from their initial proposal, which banned them from having any money at all.
Never mind that people living in poverty are regularly denied access to banking services and ways of paying for essential goods and services that are actually cheaper and are forced to use small cash payments, invariably the most expensive means of payment, now the sheer rage that a poor might actually be able to rub their grimy fingers all over the divine visages of the founding fathers generates such rage that it can no longer be borne.
House File 171 would make it so that families on MFIP - and disabled single adults on General Assistance and Minnesota Supplemental Aid - could not have their cash grants in cash or put into a checking account. Rather, they could only use a state-issued debit card at special terminals in certain businesses that are set up to accept the card.
Yeah... my head is just spinning from all this bullshit. I guess it's just one step closer to the staatgreuldispensersystem. But seriously, how can you just start suggesting that someone's money is no good at a store simply because they're a disabled single adult or whatever.

They would also be forbidden from spending their money outside the state, just as an additional restriction beyond only being allowed to spend in designated businesses.

So basically they're bound to their lord's demesne and all it will take is a mandatory public service requirement to take priority over their own feeble attempts at earning a living and they will be serfs in every sense of the world except for the name itself.

So it's basically time that we recognize that murdering anyone even remotely right-wing who's in elected office is the only way to get back from the edge. I mean, they already intrusively check that you don't have a dime to your name or any assets when applying for welfare.

But it shouldn't be a surprise that laws to prevent the poor from escaping poverty are more honest about the intentions of the rich than the usual bootstraps rhetoric. But I suppose there's no way this can pass or even survive for more than a year. I mean, I know America is fucked, but it's not that far gone.

Is it?

Friday, May 20, 2011

Death Comes To America - May 21st

Death Comes To America - May 21st

Hey ya'll, are you ready for the end of the world come this weekend? I mean, I live right next to one of the massive billboards proclaiming that the end is nigh

But was I surprised when I was listening to my ever devolving NPR news program talk about how some crazy radio station religion believes the end times is this weekend.
May 7, 2011

Brian Haubert grabs some pamphlets and marches toward the flea market in Palmyra, N.J. Armed with a poster that trumpets Judgment Day on May 21, 2011, he braces for rejection. Announcing God's wrath is not always a popular message.

"I've been called a heretic," says Haubert, a 33-year-old actuary. "I've been told I read the wrong Bible. And then there's the occasional person who seems to be genuinely interested," he says.

His friend and fellow believer, Kevin Brown, uses a gentler approach, not confronting people or engaging in conversation, just politely handing out Judgment Day pamphlets.

Brown, who owns his own nutrition and wellness business, is soft-spoken and polished, not someone you'd imagine giving away doomsday tracts. But he says the clock is ticking.

"People need to know," Brown says, "and God commands us to share the Gospel about the end of the world. He says if we do not share the Gospel then their blood will be on our hands, whether they believe or not. God's been moving me to do this."

Spreading The Word

Haubert and Brown are two of a small — or not so small, who knows? — army of Christians sounding the alarm. They drive caravans and put up billboards, hand out tracts and try to convince friends and family that Judgment Day is upon us. Brown says this message is laced throughout the Bible, but only some can decode it. It will happen this way:

On May 21, "starting in the Pacific Rim at around the 6 p.m. local time hour, in each time zone, there will be a great earthquake, such as has never been in the history of the Earth," he says. The true Christian believers — he hopes he's one of them — will be "raptured": They'll fly upward to heaven. And for the rest?

"It's just the horror of horror stories," he says, "and on top of all that, there's no more salvation at that point. And then the Bible says it will be 153 days later that the entire universe and planet Earth will be destroyed forever."

Most Bible scholars note that even Jesus said he had no idea when Judgment Day would come. But May 21 believers like Haubert are unfazed.

"I've crunched the numbers, and it's going to happen," he says.

Haubert says the Bible contains coded "proofs" that reveal the timing. For example, he says, from the time of Noah's flood to May 21, 2011, is exactly 7,000 years. Revelations like this have changed his life.

"I no longer think about 401(k)s and retirement," he says. "I'm not stressed about losing my job, which a lot of other people are in this economy. I'm just a lot less stressed, and in a way I'm more carefree."

He's tried to warn his friends and family. They think he's crazy. And that saddens him.

"Oh, it's very hard," he says. "I worry about friends and family and loved ones. But I guess more recently, I'm just really looking forward to it."

Haubert is 33 and single. Brown is married with several young children, and none of them shares his beliefs. It's caused a rift with his wife — but he says that, too, was predicted in the Bible.

"God says, 'Do you love husband or wife over me? Do you love son or daughter over me?' There is a test. There is a trial here that the believers are going through. It's a fiery trial."

As May 21 nears, Brown says he feels as if he's on a "roller coaster." What if he is raptured but his family is left behind?

"I'm crying over my loved ones one minute; I'm elated the next minute," he says. "It's all over the place."

Family Radio

No one knows how many people believe Judgment Day is right around the corner. But it appears that many became believers in 2009 after turning on Family Radio, a Christian network worth more than $100 million.

Harold Camping, the network's 89-year-old founder, has been interpreting the Bible on the air for years. He says that everyone knows there would be a judgment day at some point.

"We just happen to be in that time in history," he said in an interview. "And whether we like it or not, we're here."

Camping's predictions have inspired other groups to rally behind the May 21 date. People have quit their jobs and left their families to get the message out.

"Knowing the date of the end of the world changes all your future plans," says 27-year-old Adrienne Martinez.

She thought she'd go to medical school, until she began tuning in to Family Radio. She and her husband, Joel, lived and worked in New York City. But a year ago, they decided they wanted to spend their remaining time on Earth with their infant daughter.

"My mentality was, why are we going to work for more money? It just seemed kind of greedy to me. And unnecessary," she says.

And so, her husband adds, "God just made it possible — he opened doors. He allowed us to quit our jobs, and we just moved, and here we are."

Now they are in Orlando, in a rented house, passing out tracts and reading the Bible. Their daughter is 2 years old, and their second child is due in June. Joel says they're spending the last of their savings. They don't see a need for one more dollar.

"You know, you think about retirement and stuff like that," he says. "What's the point of having some money just sitting there?"

"We budgeted everything so that, on May 21, we won't have anything left," Adrienne adds.

Nothing, except for the fervent hope that all of them will be raptured.

"There Is No Plan B"

Camping is not the first person to fix a date for the end of the world. There have been dozens of such prophets, and so far, they've all been wrong.

Camping himself, has had to do some recalculation. He first predicted the end would come Sept. 6, 1994. He now explains that he had not completed his biblical research.

"For example, I at that time had not gone through the book of Jeremiah," he explains, "which is a big book in the Bible that has a whole lot to say about the end of the world."

So he's not planning for May 22?

"Absolutely not," Camping says. "It is going to happen, There is no Plan B."

I've asked a dozen of Camping's followers the same question. Everyone said even entertaining the possibility that May 21 would come and go without event is an offense to God. They all hope they'll be raptured. Some worry about being left behind.

"If I'm here on May 22, and I wake up, I'm going to be in hell," says Brown. "And that's where I don't want to be. So there is going to be a May 22, and we don't want to be here."

On the other hand, he will presumably have lots of company.
Well now, let's all rejoice! God's righteous fury shall be exercised upon the people of the Earth this very weekend! No need to go to the red bull soap box event, we'll be raptured. No need to continue on that diet. Death, after all, is certain.

Let's take a look at a few choice comments in this article. Because this whole part really tossed me for a loop.
"Knowing the date of the end of the world changes all your future plans," says 27-year-old Adrienne Martinez.

She thought she'd go to medical school, until she began tuning in to Family Radio. She and her husband, Joel, lived and worked in New York City. But a year ago, they decided they wanted to spend their remaining time on Earth with their infant daughter.

"My mentality was, why are we going to work for more money? It just seemed kind of greedy to me. And unnecessary," she says.

And so, her husband adds, "God just made it possible — he opened doors. He allowed us to quit our jobs, and we just moved, and here we are."

Now they are in Orlando, in a rented house, passing out tracts and reading the Bible. Their daughter is 2 years old, and their second child is due in June. Joel says they're spending the last of their savings. They don't see a need for one more dollar.

"You know, you think about retirement and stuff like that," he says. "What's the point of having some money just sitting there?"

"We budgeted everything so that, on May 21, we won't have anything left," Adrienne adds.

Nothing, except for the fervent hope that all of them will be raptured.

I'm really amazed that they budget everything for the end of the world in May... you know, except for the fact that their second child is due in June. Yeah.. that doesn't make much sense.

It makes you wonder if the unborn child is alive as well, so maybe there's a place in heaven with their faithful parents. Though, to be fair, watching a pregnant lady disappear into thin air, leaving an unbaptized fetus to drop on the pavement would be one hell of a sight.

Fuck, why did that thought have to cross my mind. Now I want so badly for the end to come so that I can see that sight. She'd get to heaven all flat stomached and maybe question the purpose of following arcane rituals to avoid having your life artifically prologonged so that you can be tortured forever, and being to lead a peoples war against the cryptic Jehova to unite humanity under a common banner.

What, if the god you loved took you to heaven and left your unborn child to rot in the rapture, you telling me you wouldn't do the same? It does make you think though, wouldn't it really a bitch if they were right and the ground beneath you shakes and gives way all the Christians fly up to heaven leaving you behind. You'd have to laugh a little bit at yourself, because really, goddamn do you have the worst luck.

It's really sad that it takes the specter of the end of everything to make us realize what's important and what's just bullshit.

This.. This is all bullshit. And only a funny god would send these folks a nice 5.3 Earthquake just to fuck with them because humans are really the blight on all galactic purity.

Perhaps they should have saved up to buy a shotgun so the father can go on a homicidal rampage when he realizes it won't happen.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

The Fall TV

The Fall TV - FOX

Well, the upfronts are all over and now we know what you'll be watching on TV. In this case I really care about Fox because.. well, it's a living.

So what can you look forward to from the house that Rupert built? How about more shitty animation!

It's kind of scary to hear Batman from Brave and the bold telling Napoleon Dynamite to submit. But hey, gotta give them some credit, it looks just as pointless and silly as the film. Which I'll fully admit I thought was alright. The show can't be worse than King of the Hill.

Then we have Animation domination not being run by Seth MacFarlane anymore..

Oh, who am I kidding. That's partially produced by Seth and then there's the other little nugget that Seth MacFarlane Finally Gets Go-Ahead To Reboot 'The Flintstones'

So it's pretty clear that in a couple of years this will replace the Simpsons. Which if you think about The Flintstones replacing the Simpsons, you gotta say that's a bit odd. But I'm sure he'll treat the franchise with some respect.. right?


I guess Hanna and Barbera were the kings of making shitty, derivative TV animation and they'd probably think MacFarlane is lazy for only making 4 TV shows and not recycling nearly enough frames of animation on them.

But moving on to better things. Cuter things. We have my not-so-secret crush.. fuck, everyone's crush Zooey Deschanel joining her sister Emily in having a fox television show in New Girl.

Though they're going to have to reshoot that pilot as Daymon Wayons Jr. is already contractually obligated for season 2 of Happy Endings. Fox took the chance on casting him for New Girl because they assumed that Happy Endings was going to have a not so happy ending and get canceled.

What does this mean for me? Potential for reshooting money! Wooo hoo! But on to her sister now, If you're a viewer of Bones, then first off I thank you for the ratings bump which keeps me cashing in. But second of all, you probably recall that back door pilot of The Finder. Yeah, they green lit that sucker.

Then we move on to another potential stinker..

I'm not hearing good things about this money pit around the camp fire. It's way over budget to produce and the story looks bland and boring. I seriously don't think it will last more than a season. Yes, it's Jurassic Park meets Battle Star Galactica. But I really don't care

And finally you have a new J.J. Abrams TV show called Alcatrax.

While I love the guy's stories, the fact that he's like a dead beat dad who just goes around humping creative teams out and cranking out production babies and then leaves them just makes me wonder how good this show is going to be.

Fringe got luck, but what hasn't J.J. put his name on lately as a producer. It's become something that is just silly to think about.

So there you have it. The Fox line up for the Fall.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Flashing A Point

Flashing A Point

So the new DC mega event of a sort started last week called Flash Point. In it the long time rival of Barry Allen's Flash character, Professor Zoom has went back in time and has been fucking around with the past of our heroes. Think Back to the future II where Marty screws up the past and it effects the present.

While this concept is interesting, I have to say that I wish they actually did something else with it. I would love to see a one shot of Zoom doing the most petty, inconsequential shit just to fuck Barry over. Going back in time and stealing his car just to move it in front of a hydrant or on the wrong side of the street during street sweeping so he could simply get a ticket. Sneaking into his room and turning off his alarm clock so he's late for work. Thus explaining why Barry Allen is always late. Washing all of his whites with his costume so everything turns pink. Stuff like that. And this is all why they got the wrong writer for Flashpoint.

The best part of all this would be that Zoom could do all of that shit just kind of in the present and all, but would go back in time to do it just to add another layer of being an asshole. Just imagine him just walking up to Barry and being all "Hey, remember last week when you got arrested for having child porn on your computer?" and Barry would of course replay with a "no." Then he would run into the past, plant the files, call the police, and zoom back into the present and be all like "NOW do you remember?"

What I dislike about the Zooms is that Thawne came back with Barry, as Zolomon was just a thousand times more interesting as Zoom. Even if his deal was "I torture you to make you a better heeeeeeerrrrrrooooooo" and "You suck because you're not Barry Allen. You should be more like him, Barry Allen, because Barry's cool." Wally West's issue as a character is that he as been living in the shadow of Barry Allen, so rather than stop bringing it up and let him just be the Flash, Geoff Johns invented a character who's sole purpose is to bring up the Barry Allen comparison.

But that was a lot better than Thawne's character. His problem was that he's just an asshole and he doesn't have a purpose other than hating Barry. Sure, sometimes he wants to kidnap Barry's girlfriend, sometimes he's a creepy stalker that surgically alters himself to look like Barry while he sniffs the underwear he stole from the Flash museum in the future, and other times he makes silly convoluted plans involving a reverse speed-force. He doesn't really have a point to his existence other than to be a dick to Barry.

So see, Zolomon/Zoom is better because he at least has a consistent characterization.

I have a sinking suspicion that Flashpoint's just going to be like every other DC mega event book in that it has no real conclusion. It just leads to yet another event. In this case it will branch out into an alternate universe that hinges on something happening to Barry Allen one way in the universe we know and another in Universe Flashpoint. The implication is that Barry Allen is the most important person in the development of the DC Universe. Because really, Geoff Johns would have it no other way.

That's how it comes across. He ushered in the Silver Age of comics. It'll come out that he's been generating the Speed Force all along. I want to be wrong about this because I think Barry Allen is boring and I find his whole character to be nothing more than someone who pushed Wally West out of the picture of being the Flash.

I want to like Barry the way all the old school fans seem to, but I just can't. It's not that he sucks. It's just that I find Barry to be far more boring than Wally West. Much like growing up with a specific Doctor Who, Wally West was MY FLASH. The one I grew up with, and while I'm not consumed with the fanboy rage that one would feel when their character seemed to be pushed to the side lines for the new/old guy, I have yet to see a single story that says to me why I should want to read about Barry Allen more than I want to read about Wally West.

I'm willing to buy into this notion that Barry Allen is the awesomest Flash that ever was and spreads awesome-sauce all over the land, but DC seems to think that I'm happy just to take that on faith instead of showing me in the form of interesting and compelling stories as to why Barry's shit don't stink.

In saying all that Flashpoint #1 just seemed average. You have Thomas Wayne as Batman crusading around for his murdered wife and son. The dude has got to be pushing the age limit by now and he's still jumping around roof tops like he just don't give a shit.

I will say that Johns did an interesting thing with Captain marvel by turning it essentially into Captain Planet. Though didn't he just get through turning swamp thing into a captain planet character? Oh well, I guess Captain Marvel at least has He-Man's pet cat chilling with him.

The problem I had with the reveal and introduction of these new heroes on the roof top is simple. Why did we not make the big "meet the NEW heroes on the rooftop" scene a part of Free Comic Book Day comic book? You know, just to introduce this entire thing, instead of spending half of the first issue of a FLASH event on essentially other characters who won't be seen or heard from again after this event ends.

It's not that I didn't appreciate seeing new characters out of old ones, but this thing is a whole five issues, We just spent most of one issue of this story on an entirely separate plot thread with a "reveal" divorced from our lead entirely.

Maybe this all leads to the notion that there's two Geoff Johns running around.

One Geoff Johns who writes really good stories that have a real reverence for the stories that he grew up on and mean a lot to him, the type of stories that he embraces the concept of legacy in the DC Universe and uses the foundations of the DCU to construct really solid and entertaining stories. You can find this Geoff Johns writing his first Flash run with Wally West as well as JSA and Green Lantern.

Then you have the other Geoff Johns that seems to go over the top whenever possible. It's not enough to hurt a character, the character has to die. And even that's not enough. They have to die in the most messy and gruesome fashion possible. Just look at the death of Blue Beetle and several other B-listers and on who seem to get punched holes through or arms ripped off for show.

He's in love with spectacle and cheap thrills, and could give two shits about the stories that anyone else has written. This Geoff Johns killed the first Geoff Johns and wears his skin as a suit, which was probably half the inspiration for Blackest Night in itself. Or maybe it's actually Jeph Loeb who is wearing Johns' skin. I can imagine it now, a fight between the two Jeff-with-a-strange-spelling in an epic struggle to see who survives. Because as we all know there can be only one!

There's many who say that you shouldn't take Clark Ken, Bruce Wayne, Hal Jordan, Barry Allen and Diana Prince off the table and put them out of the iconic mantle. But then I say, why not? Barry Allen was gone for over 20 years and people moved on fine without him. Wally West was a great successor and besides the flash facts, brought a lot more to the table than Barry ever did.

Sometimes a character can benefit the world better by being a dead inspiration then a living one. Especially if they are a bland character. Some would argue that Kyle Rayner was a good successor to Hal, but I disagree. Kyle is a great character, but he's like Guy or Jon Stewart. They're their own Green Lantern. Where as you really couldn't tell much of a difference between Wally and Barry behind the mask.

If you want me to like the new Barry Allen, there has to be a reason for it more than "he's the original" Flashpoint and the lead up to it is the chance to really prove that Barry Allen works better as a living character instead of a legend who sacrificed himself to the Crisis wheel. So far they've just put out the idea that he's really just bland and boring.

Let's face it. Barry Allen will win like he always does, so really, this whole event just ends up being just a bad week in the life of The Flash.

I'm just going to take a wild guess in saying that there's no chance at all that Flashpoint isn't going to end with Barry Allen having to tragically sacrifice his mother as the price for returning the world to normal.